If you were miserable this past week, I’m sorry, but I’m not going to let sympathy for your plight get in the way of rubbing your face in my good fortune. I’m sure you’ll feel better after being forced to learn how much happier you’d have been if you were me.

I celebrated the 4th of July by having a late lunch at J’s Oyster on the Portland waterfront, where my wife and I watched a tourist eat her first lobster (“Ooo, it has eyes!”) and the

I’m starting off this week’s news roundup with all the important artistic, scientific and intellectual news, but I want those of you with short attention spans to know that later in this column there’s stuff about PHOTOS OF NAKED WOMEN. I’m not the type to exploit the story about PHOTOS OF NAKED WOMEN by putting it first, ahead of many more significant items, in a blatant attempt to suck in more readers. That wouldn’t be in the Down East tradition. Rather, it would

The trailer on Route 1 in Wiscasset lacks pretension. But it doesn't lack for attention. Red's Eats has been the focus of local and national news stories for more than 30 years. In part, that's due to the excellent lobster rolls and fried clams. But a lot of it had to do with Red, himself. Allen "Red" Gagnon liked to talk to people. He made his customers feel like

Let's start with the first odd word. I promise we'll get to the fish and sex in a minute.

The word is "anadromous," which if I'd had to guess, I'd have said meant a kind of bread or else somebody that it's hard to tell if they're male or female. It could also have something to do with those mechanical things in "Star Wars." Maybe, it's all three.

"Gosh, C-3PO, this delicious loaf of bread you baked makes me wonder, are you a boy robot or a girl robot?"

As it turns out, it's

I admit I lack empathy for lobsters. When it comes to considering their feelings, I tend to categorize the tasty crustaceans with crab grass, black flies, politicians and other lower life forms. I just don't care about their problems. As far as I'm concerned, the only difference between lobsters and the others is that I wouldn't eat a politician, even if I was really, really hungry.

I don't believe I'm the only Mainer with this attitude. Most of us couldn't be bothered listening to a lobster's

If you live in Maine, you never really forget about winter. A good part of every summer is spent preparing for the next cold season. But this year seems different. There's a sense of desperation in the air. Getting the wood in, a casual enterprise in most Junes, has a sense of urgency. And even with prices topping $230 a cord for green wood, normally frugal folks are ordering extra.

"People get scared

The rising price of petroleum seems to be having contrary effects on Mainers. When it comes to transportation, the arrival of $4-a-gallon gasoline - it first showed up in Calais on May 21 and quickly spread to Rangeley, Vinalhaven and other locations - has sturdy, sensible types considering a return to the

In our last episode, you may remember that a Portland City Council committee was considering a ban on smoking in restaurants' outdoor seating areas. Nothing new to report on that, I'm afraid, but fans of bans still have plenty to cheer about.

Let's start with skateboarding. According to the Portland Press Herald, a Portland council committee has been asked to consider outlawing the activity in the downtown

For the period: May 6-12, 2008

Welcome to MTWLWLW, our weekly review of the top stories (and some of lesser quality) from around the state. This past week's news was dominated by a couple of bombs - both of them, as it turned out, duds - as well as a new retail rivalry, a scientific debate, a disaster declaration and a court decision on how much of a splash you can make this summer.

The first bomb came in a report that the