I’m not one to panic. I can remain calm when there’s chaos all around me. For instance, in the Old Port on Saturday night. I just sip my beer and occasionally employ my Taser whenever some drunken frat boy gets in my face.

There’s been some controversy surrounding the straw poll conducted at the Maine Republican Party’s caucuses around the state last week. Several towns used hay instead of straw, thereby negating the results, according to the official interpretation of party rules, based on the 1914 U.S.

There’s a sign on Route 27 in Kingfield informing northbound drivers that this particular roadway has been designated a scenic highway by some powerful government authority with excess time on its hands. Good thing, too. Otherwise, motorists would probably never suspect there was pretty scenery to look at, what with no clues except vistas of the Carrabassett River, Bigelow Range, Sugarloaf, Chain of Ponds and the like.

According to Maine state government’s moose-hunting website, one of the things you have to know before you can get a permit to shoot a moose is this:

“What is a WMD?”

Gov. Paul LePage gave his first State of the State speech on Jan. 24, and I have to admit I was disappointed with his performance. LePage devoted all his time to discussing the serious problems that confront Maine and what has to be done to deal with them.

Not a word about the troubles Maine doesn’t have.

For instance:

I’m a big believer in freedom of expression. Without it, I might have to get a real job.

So, it’s no surprise that I’ve been following the debate over Internet piracy and censorship with considerable interest. Bills in Congress seeking to curb Web sites based in foreign countries from appropriating copyrighted American culture have raised concerns that they could also be used to block legitimate artist expression.

Every January, economist Charlie Colgan speaks at a big breakfast event in Portland to announce his assessment of Maine’s financial picture for the coming year. The place is always packed with businesspeople, reporters, politicians, and other economists, which can lead us to only one conclusion:

The food at this breakfast has to be the best in the state.

I’m indebted to Kathryn Skelton of the Lewiston Sun Journal for breaking the news that Maine has the cleanest hospital bathrooms in the country. According to Skelton’s Jan. 2 story, Kaiser Health News somehow determined that this state, Vermont and South Dakota were tied for the peak position among pissoirs in medical institutions. In all three states, seventy-nine percent of those facilities were rated consistently tidy.

As I may have noted before, I’m fond of skulls. In fact, I carry one with me wherever I go. I find it to be a convenient container for transporting my brain, eyes and other head-related organs.

As a mature adult, I’m quite capable of having a meaningful discussion about beets without resorting to childish tantrums. Such as:

Beets suck, and I’m not eating them. I don’t care how you cook them. I don’t care if you coat them in chocolate. I don’t care if you send me to bed without supper. I’m having nothing to do with beets, because, as I may have mentioned, beets suck.