In a clandestine, pre-dawn strike late last week, an overwhelming guerilla force from Boston took control of key assets in Portland, effectively incorporating Maine’s largest city into Massachusetts.

I hold the medical profession in the highest esteem, by which I mean I avoid it at all costs, lest I be subjected to an involuntary colonoscopy. I have long believed that the only proper bodily portal for incoming objects is the aptly named pie hole, and the objects in question should be of an edible nature, preferably composed of sugar and/or fat.

I try to be a law-abiding citizen. I don’t litter. I don’t spray-paint graffiti on buildings. I pick up my dogs’ poop (mostly). And I haven’t murdered anybody in forever.