Phew! Another Christmas behind us. Every year, I think it’s the best one. And you know, every year I’m right.

Did you do a lot of entertaining over the holidays? We did. As usual, Charlie and me kind of held our breath with our dog, Scamp. He’s been getting better, sure, but he’s still kind of unpredictable.

See, Scamp’s a bichon-poodle mix. Got him from Poodle Rescue, must be two and a half years ago, now. He’s gonna be four in February. Can’t believe it! Scamp’s fourteen pounds of cute, stubborn, mischievousness, all rolled into a white, furry, buttoned-eyed package. He’s funny as all get out, and such a good boy, when he’s not being a bad boy! Shall I count the ways?

For starters, Scamp has always licked his pee-pee in front of company. But hey, he’s a dog! That’s what they do. And I get it. One day he wakes up and half his apparatus is missing, so he has to check every fifteen minutes or so, to make sure he hasn’t lost any more ground in that department!

And yeah, he has this way of draggin’ his butt on the carpet while looking you in the eye, which never fails to crack me and Charlie up. Us, and everyone else who’s visiting. He just so funny looking when he does it.

Now, when we first got him, Scamp was so skittish. Would pull away when you tried to pick him up. But lately, he’s warmed up to company in a major way. We’ll have friends over for supper, and afterwards, he’ll just jump right up on the couch with ‘em and want to lick their face. Unless, of course, they’re not dog people. In which case, Scamp just moves along to the next likely customer. Everyone’s usually fine with this behavior. He’ll curl up beside ‘em for as long as they pet him. Like they’re long lost buddies, or something.

But lately, if someone makes a big deal about Scamp, talkin’ baby talk, petting and playing with him, Scamp will all of a sudden start humping their leg! It’s kind of embarrassing! And here’s the deal, he only does this with men. And I’m not talking just friends of ours. I mean, the furnace repair guy, the mailman.

“Geez, Louise!” I says to Charlie. “We’re going to have to get Scamp a little rainbow flag sticker for his crate!”

“He takes after your cousin, Roger,” Charlie replies.

“Yup. But Roger looks better in a dress.”

“But you got to admit: they’re neck in neck in the hair department.”

My cousin Roger lives in Providencetown Massachusetts. P-town as he calls it, with his boyfriend, Wayne. Well, I guess they’re married at this point. They run a little art gallery down there. Oh, they’re the nicest couple! Been together, what? Twenty years, now.

When his was younger, Roger used to do a drag show. Judy Garland was his specialty. Wicked talented, too. His “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” was guaranteed to bring tears to your eyes. Now, like us, Roger comes from good, old Franco-American stock. So he’s small, which is a plus if you’re playing a woman. But did you see that waxing scene with Steve Carrel in the “Forty Year Old Virgin?” That was pretty much what Roger had to go through on a regular basis. Plus, he inherited these short, wide peasant feet. Takes the same size shoe as my dad: eight and a half, triple E. How he ever found pumps to fit is a mystery to me.

Anyhoo, Roger’s one of my favorite cousins, so Scamp could do worse. Whatever floats your boat, right? As long as it’s consensual.

But, Scamp doesn’t quite get that last part. So, when people are around, you’ve got to keep an eye on him, head him off at the pass if he starts getting too friendly. Takes constant vigilance. ‘Course he’d be better behaved if he had better trainers. But who’s got patience for that? Besides, it’s amazing what unconditional love and no discipline whatsoever can accomplish!

That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side! Listen to Ida's podcast.

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