Mad Moose, and Other Signs of Something Ugly Going On in Maine
As everyone knows, the town of York is in York County. The town of Cumberland is in Cumberland County. The town of Oxford is in Oxford County. And I’m sure the town of Sagadahoc would be in Sagadahoc County if such a town existed.
But the person or persons responsible for naming stuff in the early days of Maine’s existence got more haphazard as he, she, or they moved northward. The township of Franklin isn’t in Franklin County. It’s in Hancock County, right next to the town of Hancock. The town of Androscoggin isn’t in Androscoggin County. It’s in a Gerry Boyle novel. The town of Lincoln is nowhere near Lincoln County. It’s in Penobscot County. And as for the town of Penobscot, it, too, is in Hancock County, which seems to have more than its fair share of municipalities with the same name as counties.
I bring this up this because … well, I can’t think of a single good reason. Forget I mentioned it.
But back to the town of Penobscot in Hancock County. Something weird is going on there. It could be related to the screwy naming situation. Although, probably not.
I neglected to mention that the village of Washington Junction is not only not in Washington County, it’s part of the town of Hancock in the greedy county of Hancock. There’s also a town of Washington, but Hancock County didn’t get that one, although if I lived there, I’d be wary.
But back, once again, to the town of Penobscot (motto: On A Clear Day, You Can See Penobscot County From Here – Almost). According to the Bangor Daily News, there’s a moose there with a major attitude problem. It was standing in the middle of Western County Road (named, no doubt, after Aroostook County). A woman from Castine (which is not located in Castine County, because there’s no such place) was driving on the same thoroughfare, spotted the moose blocking the way and stopped, wisely planning to wait until the beast moved on before continuing her journey. The moose had other ideas. He walked over to her car and kicked out her headlight. Bashed in her bumper. Did an estimated $2,000 worth of damage. All unprovoked.
Unless the moose found the whole mixed-up name thing provoking. If so, who could blame him?
According to the Hancock County (motto: We Are Coming For Your Town’s Name) Sheriff’s Department, crime scene investigators have recovered hair, believed to be from a moose, and a partial hoof print, also consistent with the type of hoof usually located at the end of a moose’s leg. Even so, they have been unable to identify this particular moose, although they have assigned him a code name:
Maybe somebody should be investigating the outbreak of name kleptomania in Hancock County.
On to happier news: Miss Maine has a new crown.
You don’t have to be a dentist to figure out that there’s no way to win the Miss America pageant without perfect teeth. Probably should have them whitened and polished, as well, before she walks down that runway in January.
Oh, wait. I just realized it’s not that kind of crown. Miss Maine’s molars and incisors are already in shining shape. The new item she got is one of those tiara thingies. Susie Stauble of Gray, the reigning Miss Maine, reported in September that somebody had stolen her headpiece. Since then, Stauble has been using a set of antlers she borrowed from a moose in Penobscot (the town, not the county), but he wanted them back — in fact, he was starting to get belligerent about it, kicking things and whatnot — so she was pleased to receive a replacement crown paid for through a fund set up by the Portland Police Department.
Meanwhile, the investigation into the theft continues. The chief suspect is believed to bear a striking resemblance to Hancock County.
That’s not the only unsolved mystery making news this week. On Oct. 24, tickets went on sale at the Cumberland County Civic Center (which is not located in the town of Cumberland, but in the city of Portland, go figure) for a Nov. 29 concert by the band Phish. The tickets sold out in two minutes.
I’m amazed fans of a band whose shortest song is at least two weeks long can move that fast. You’d think all that speed-dialing or PayPal-ing or standing around in the rain for hours waiting for the box office to open would kind of, like, harsh their mellow.
Even if those travails didn’t bring the Phish phaithful down, this might:
The Cumberland County Civic Center has been stolen.
A massive air and ground search is concentrating on the area west of Acadia National Park and east of East Eddington, but is being hampered by the presence of militant moose standing in the roadways and kicking the crap out of any vehicle that comes near them.
The only way to stop this wave of auditorium theft, crown crime, and auto vandalism is to turn to modern technology for answers. Unfortunately, modern technology is busy coming up with inventions that are of absolutely no use in solving such felonies. What modern tech does have is the “smart” meter, which will soon allow Central Maine Power to monitor your electricity use.
If you try to use an inefficient incandescent bulb instead of a mercury-laden compact fluorescent one, CMP will be able to detect your environmentally questionable activities and send a shock down the line that’ll hit you like you’ve been kicked by a moose.
This massive conversion is being paid for with a federal grant of $96 million as part of the American Reinvestment and Recovery Act. As a result of this economic stimulus, CMP will be able to get rid of all its meter readers, thereby saving a lot of money.
But there’s a bigger potential problem with these new high-tech meters. What if some evil genius – such as Lex “Hancock County” Luther – seized control of the system? This mad scientist could shut down burglar alarms statewide while his underlings, many of them disgruntled moose, stole place names. Or even our identities.
Wait, the lights are flickering. Must hit send button. Warn somebody before it’s too la —
This column is no longer being written by the entity formerly known as Al Diamon. It is now the work of Hancock County. You can still e-mail the author at firstname.lastname@example.org. for now, but we’ll have to get an e-mail address more reflective of our hegemony soon.