Attack Of The Non-Killer Tomatoes
In ancient times, people believed many strange ideas, such as:
Adam Sandler is funny.
Trading away Kevin Youkilis while getting almost nothing in return makes sense for the Boston Red Sox, because he’s about to go into a serious decline.
Tomatoes are poisonous.
Today, thanks to modern science, we know all these things are false. Researcher who attended screenings of Sandler’s latest movie, “That’s My Boy,” pronounced it a bomb. Experts who watched Youkilis hit bombs against the Sox pronounced him “da bomb.” And botanists have concluded that the mysterious objects being left on the streets of Portland are “tomato bombs,” but are still safe to eat.
Well, not the whole thing. Just the actual tomato part. The rest of the “bomb” is made up of a bucket (inedible), dirt (ugh) and the vine, which I’m sure is a delicacy in some cultures, but tastes sort of like an Adam Sandler movie poster. Only funnier.
Tomato bombs are the work of Portland Paste, which is some kind of artists’ collective with the announced goal of creating a working nuclear weapon from tomatoes.
Oops, sorry, that’s Iran Paste. Portland Paste distributed the buckets of tomato plants – they don’t really explode or anything fun like that – to encourage people to nurture them and eventually eat them. This will somehow make the world a better place, unless you happen to be a tomato.
It’s all part of activities called “guerilla gardening,” which calls for planting guerillas in all sorts of unexpected places to later commit acts of terrorism.
Oops, sorry, again. That’s Iran’s foreign policy. Guerilla gardeners of the Portland sort just plant vegetables and flowers in unusual places to make people think about our relationship with nature and how technology has corrupted it to the point that we now have Adam Sandler movies.
If you think that’s scary, consider this: There have been several reported sightings off the New England coast in recent days of great white sharks. As is well documented in many films on the SyFy channel,
a. huge sharks are a threat to all human life, and
b. it is possible to make a really bad movie without Adam Sandler.
I suppose we could fend off this current round of shark attacks with tomato bombs, since it’s a known fact that sharks will not eat tomatoes, even if they’re made into paste and put on pepperoni pizza. But scientists say a far simpler way is to just let the creatures eat tourists. To that end, Old Orchard Beach has announced that until 2 p.m. each day, only Canadians will be allowed in the water.
Maine got some bad news about its schools this week. According to a Harvard University study, nobody in this state has learned a damned thing since 1992. Least of all how to read high-falutin’ studies from Harvard University. Our student test scores, once among the best in the nation, have stagnated while other states were improving. For instance, three out of four Maine eighth graders were unable to correctly answer this simple question on a standardized test:
Which of the following is ineligible to become president of the United States?
a. Adam Sandler
b. a tomato
c. a shark
d. Canadian tourists
The right answer, of course, is “d” because Canadian tourists are now legally classified as shark bait. And the U.S. Constitution expressly prohibits the holding of high public office by “bait, chum and animal attractants including but not limited to deer urine.” You can look it up. It’s in Article IX, Aisle 4, bottom shelf, down near the beer coolers.
There is, however some positive news about the state’s schools. Parenting Magazine (motto: If You Don’t Turn Off That X-Box And Start Doing You’re Homework, You’re Grounded, Do You Hear Me, Grounded, Until You’re Eighteen) has chosen Portland as the third best place in the country to raise a family (lots of free tomatoes on the streets) and the third best city for education (the schools rarely show Adam Sandler movies, particularly in the lower grades).
Lewiston did not make Parenting’s lists, and the exclusion hasn’t gone unnoticed among its populace. Immediately after that stinging rejection, the School Committee voted to approve a fundraising plan that will allow businesses to purchase naming rights to proposed new athletic fields and buildings.
Opponents, including one committee member who stormed out of the meeting, said it was unconscionable to allow locker rooms to be named after condoms, concession stands to be named after fattening snacks, tennis courts to be named after racketeers, tracks to be named after tractors, and baseball diamonds to be named after jewelry stores.
But supporters pointed out that the facility in question is currently named Franklin Pasture (honest, that’s the actual name), and the teams that play there are called the Cow Patties (OK, I made that up, but it would be kind of cool if it were true). They said the group soliciting corporate sponsors would be judicious about selecting appropriate companies.
For instance, the committee had already rejected all of the following:
Joe’s Septic Pumping and Disposal Swimming Pool
Gentlemen’s Topless Bar Women’s Shower Stalls
Adam Sandler Hand Ball Court.
They did accept a sponsor for the ticket office. Unfortunately, under the terms of the agreement with Bain Capital, all staffing will be outsourced to Honduras. When asked if this loss of local jobs wasn’t at odds with the committee’s goals of making Lewiston a better place, one member said, “Hey, you say tomato bomb, I say tom-mah-toe bomb.”
Al Diamon apologizes for his unfair denigration in the above commentary of a significant and valued cinematic icon and recognizes that his thoughtless words and unreasonable characterizations have likely caused fans unwanted pain and distress. What? Adam Sandler? Hell, no. Diamon is sorry he dumped on Syfy shark movies. You got a problem with that? Email him at email@example.com.