There’s been some controversy surrounding the straw poll conducted at the Maine Republican Party’s caucuses around the state last week. Several towns used hay instead of straw, thereby negating the results, according to the official interpretation of party rules, based on the 1914 U.S. Supreme Court decision that forever settled the question of whether voters could make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear (see Amalgamated Textiles, Inc. v. Institutional Pork Products LLC).

“We said straw, and we meant straw,” said state GOP chairman Charlie Webster. “Hay is for Democrats.”

Under further questioning from reporters, Webster was forced to admit that hay was also for horses. And was better for cows. Pigs can eat it, he added, but I don’t know how.

None of this made much difference to Republicans in Washington County, who had been forced to postpone their caucus because an impending snowstorm delayed the delivery of straw. Even though the county GOP had taken extra precautions to make sure no hay was included in the shipment, Webster said the results of any voting there would not be included in the final totals, which showed Mitt Romney defeating Bernie Madoff by a wide margin.

For some reason, that wasn’t good enough for supporters of Ron Paul, who questioned how their candidate ended up with a vote total of minus three.

Meanwhile, in Waldo County (motto: Tell A “Where’s Waldo” Joke Around Here And You’re Likely To Get Your Ass Shot Full Of Lead Pellets) and Waterville, there was more consternation, when it was discovered that even though they’d followed all the party’s rules (including “No birth control for gay people during school prayers”), their votes would not be counted, either.

“Nothing that begins with ‘W’ is legal,” said Webster. “Hell, they wouldn’t even let me vote.”

Webster said this rule was implemented by the Tea Party at the last state convention, because its members felt “W” had Democratic implications.

“It’s twice as much as ‘U’ as the working people of this state need and can afford,” said Webster, who also promised to change his name to Uebster.

Facing threats of lawsuits from both the Paul and Romney camps. the Republican State Committee (motto: W-Free Since The End Of The Second Bush Administration) was scheduled to meet and work out a compromise agreeable to all.

“We’ll recount all the ballots,” said Uebster, “and declare Newt Gingrich the winner.”

Informed that “winner” had a “W” in it, Uebster hastily amended his remarks, substituting the word “victor.”

On to far more important news, namely the announcement that Portland has been chosen by Men’s Health magazine as being the second-most likely place in the country to find a fake silk purse made from a sow’s ear. Also, Maine’s most populous city has more “babes” than any place in the United States except Washington, D.C. (all those interns, you know). 

Portland’s grade of A+ for eligible women (better than Boston’s A or New York City’s A-) was not simply the result of the magazine’s staff cruising the Old Port on a Friday night and picking up chicks. That would be ruder than Republican caucus rules. No, Men’s Health did this the right way, ranking one hundred cities by relying on hard facts, rather than just hard bodies. It said it calculated “the ratio of single women to single men, the percentage of college-educated women, the percentage of gainfully employed single women (all from the Census), and the number who work out (Experian Simmons).”

Apparently, ugly women don’t graduate from college, work or work out.

That approach doesn’t seem any more sexist than, say, the Maine Republican Party Platform.

But what if you’re a male who’s so unattractive that no matter how many hot mommas are wandering around, you can’t get more than a cold shoulder. Well, you could practice a little personal hygiene, dress in something that doesn’t look like it’s made from a leftover straw poll and come up with a better pickup line than “I don’t need no Ws because a single U is all I want.”

Not only does that look like a tweet from an overpaid professional athlete soon to be suspended indefinitely after being indicted for some kind of Class A felony, it’s also the sort of approach that wouldn’t work at a caucus of Gingrich’s ex-wives.

Face it, you have the sex appeal of wallpaper paste – sorry, uallpaper paste – and you need to look elsewhere to get some heavy lip action. So follow these simple steps.

1. Smear your unattractive face with a juicy steak.

2. Get a dog.

You’ll have all the love and kisses you could ever want, and you could win a contest, as well. Each year, on Valentine’s Day, the Portland-based pet product company Planet Dog holds a dog kissing contest. The winner gets some nice stuff for the dog, like chew toys and biscuits. The losers get the satisfaction of knowing they’ve never had to make out with Charlie Webster.

Finally, we turn to our regular feature “Help for Incredibly Stupid Lawbreakers.” This week’s tip goes out to an intrepid fisherman or woman on Second Hadley Lake (motto: Way Better Than First Hadley Lake) in Washington County (motto: If Our Caucus Votes Don’t Count, This Shouldn’t Either). According to news reports, this skillful – but unnamed – sportsperson recently hooked a huge North Atlantic salmon. 

I mean, this mother was enormous, bigger than a GOP straw poll gaffe. And the angler in question posted video of this catch on Facebook. Where it was observed by members of the Maine Warden Service (motto: Observing Stuff on Facebook Is Way Easier Than Traipsing Around Outdoors), as well as the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service. They noticed the salmon appeared to be larger than twenty-five inches in length, which is the legal limit. They have now surrounded your house and are preparing to smash in your door, seize the fish, kiss your dog and haul you off to the pokey.

Our advice: You went way too far, dude, just to come up with an excuse for missing this weekend’s Washington County Republican Caucus.

Al Diamon wonders – uh, uonders – uhat that guy used for bait. Uorms, maybe. Suggestions can be emailed to aldiamon@herniahill.net.

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