Boobies Attacking Boobies
I know what you’re thinking. You're thinking I’m devoting much of this posting to the case of the students suspended from Medomak Valley High School in Waldoboro for wearing breast-cancer-awareness bracelets that said “I (heart) boobies” just so I can use the word “boobies” a lot.
You think I’m some immature, mammary-obsessed, college fraternity boy still suffering the aftereffects of being weaned too early so I failed to develop a respectful appreciation of female anatomy.
Well, guess again, you booby. I was never in a fraternity.
In my defense, let me point out that when I first heard of this controversy, I assumed it had something to do with preserving the blue-footed booby, a sea bird noted for its unusual mating dance in which it collects bracelets for various causes and distributes them to females of high school age. I was also aware that the word “booby” had probably been derived from the Spanish term for a stupid person (“el booby”), due to the birds’ tendency to land on the decks of ships and stand there peacefully until they were captured, cooked and eaten. The use of the term to describe breasts is relatively recent and seems to developed from the slang term “boob,” which may be a variation on the earlier “bubby” or from some other word in low German, according to the Encarta World English Dictionary. And you can imagine how low those low Germans would go (world limbo champions seven years running during the Middle Ages).
See, this is all wicked educational.
Anyway, back to the boobies (in the original Spanish sense) who run Medomak Valley High. They suspended the bracelet-wearing students because school officials claimed they were in violation of a rule banning sexually suggestive clothing or jewelry. The fact that to teenagers virtually everything including cleaning supplies and the Bangor Daily News business page is sexually suggestive apparently never occurred to them.
As a result, students at Medomak are somewhat limited in their dress options. Gunny sacks and burkas are permitted, so long as they reach all the way to the floor to avoid any revealing flashed of toes. Surplus NASA space suits and deep-sea diving outfits can be worn if the helmets are tightly sealed to prevent kissing or licking. Administrators have the option of wearing clown costumes or ensembles purchased from the wardrobes of displaced dictators. Jack boots are optional, but recommended.
Back to boobies. There’s little doubt these bracelets were designed to appeal to those of us with juvenile senses of humor. There are probably similar cleverly worded items available to help increase awareness of the fights against testicular cancer (“I (heart) nuts”), prostate cancer (“I (heart) glands”) and colon cancer (“I (heart) Medomak Valley High administrators”).
It’s time alleged adults got past being offended by this stuff and concentrated on more important issues. Such as lawsuits.
After the American Civil Liberties Union of Maine threatened to sue the school over violations of students’ right to free speech, Superintendent Bashar al-Assad announced that the bracelets would be allowed, and his troops would no longer use live ammunition to control study hall disruptions. He also promised to stop censoring the sex-ed teaching materials to make it appear the stork brings babies.
After all, all the kids know it’s the blue-footed booby.
In other booby-related news of the week, a work crew has finally finished removing the hideous sculpture from Boothby Square in Portland. The piece, called “Tracing the Fore,” depicted the flow of water on the nearby Fore River by displaying a series of sharp pieces of metal thrusting up from the ground in a manner that was both unreminiscent of the river, ugly and sexually suggestive.
But not in a good way.
Complaints began soon after it was purchased by the Portland Public Art Committee (motto: Who Says We Have No Taste?) and installed by the city in 2006 at a cost of more than $135,000. It was sold for a mere $100 earlier this year to a secretive buyer who plans to install it in a sculpture garden, said to be located on the ground of Medomak Valley High, where it will be renamed “I (heart) the boobs who pay taxes in Portland.”
In place of the removed art installation, the city plans to erect a statue of a booby. The bird kind. It will be dedicated to the public art committee.
Meanwhile, the official speed limit on Interstate 95 from Old Town to Houlton is increasing. Thanks to a bill passed in the last session of the Legislature, it will now be legal to cruise up this long empty stretch of highway at rates, according to the new statute, “exceeding the speed of light.”
As with legislation approved earlier this year that suspended the law of gravity near cliffs where rocks routinely fall on roadways, opponents argued that the increased speed limit was scientifically impossible, according to Einstein’s theory of sexual suggestiveness. Supporters of the measure were openly derided as “boobs” and “lacking the intelligence of even a member of the Portland Public Art Commission.”
But look who’s getting the last laugh.
European scientists now report they’ve measured a subatomic particle that travels faster than light.
It’s called the boobatron.
This advance in science is expected to result in decreases in the time it takes to reach far northern Maine from decades to just a few weeks. It’s also prompted a rash of new bracelets among Medomak Valley High students that read, “I (heart) boobatrons.”
To date, seven of those caught wearing these items have been arrested, convicted of naughtiness and sentenced to help choose public art for Portland. Two other students were exiled to Houlton (“I hope I arrive before I’m scheduled to graduate”).
Al Diamon admits to being fond of boobs, without whom he’d have nothing to write about. He can be emailed at firstname.lastname@example.org.