Boldly Going Where No One In His Right Mind Goes
AAA, the organization you call when your car won’t start, has greatly expanded its activities over the years. It now sells insurance. It has a travel agency. It books monthly sex parties at the old Knights of Columbus hall in Sanford. And it installs devices in your car that monitor where teenage drivers are going and how fast they’re traveling while they’re getting there. If they violate conditions imposed by their parents, it delivers a shock like a Taser that those little juvenile delinquents will never forget.
Wait. Which one of those things is completely false?
The Taser, I think.
Maine has become the latest market where AAA is offering a GPS-equipped tracking device that alerts the ‘rents whenever their offspring violate the rules. It’s called the Nosy Old Fart (NOF), and the service is free to members. Who also get into the Sanford sex parties at a reduced rate.
Sorry, I’ve been misinformed. There’s no AAA discount on the Sanford sex parties, which are in no way associated with AAA to begin with. I got confused because the NOF can be set to alert mom and pop whenever activity in the family auto’s back seat gets too hot.
“Attention, concerned parents,” the device announces. “Hormonal levels have reached unsafe concentrations, indicating the couple is now approaching second base.”
It’s possible I just made that up, too. I blame it on the distraction caused by learning that a catering company in Sanford had been renting the K of C hall for sex parties. Which would have been perfectly legal if the caterer had had a license for adult entertainment involving nudity, lewd behavior and indecent acts. Unfortunately, Sanford doesn’t offer a license like that.
Probably just an oversight.
Nevertheless, the events have come to an end after two undercover cops observed the festivities (“I don’t suppose either of you officers would want to relax, remove your trench coats, bulletproof vests, gun belts and full-body condoms, would you, because you’re making the other patrons a little nervous about performing sex acts in public”) and reported that way too good a time was had by all.
The place was so hot, it was setting off AAA monitoring devices three blocks away (“Honest, Dad, all I did was kiss her goodnight”). That constitutes a public disturbance, and help was summoned in the form of the Portland fireboat, which hosed down the crowd with spermicidal foam.
I know what you’re wondering. Your wondering why a fireboat would be carrying spermicidal foam. I’m told it’s because firefighters can never tell what kind of smoldering scene they’ll be called upon to extinguish.
Oh, that wasn’t what you were wondering. You were wondering what the Portland fireboat was doing in Sanford, which is not only a long way from Portland, but also a considerable distance inland up waterways of questionable navigability. This is an excellent question, one the Portland fire chief plans to answer as soon as he gets the data stored in the AAA monitoring device he recently had installed on the craft.
The chief made that move after reports surfaced that the boat, the City of Portland IV, had been damaged while cruising Portland Harbor on what was first described as a “training mission,” but was later revealed to have been a trip chartered by a caterer from Sanford for a sex party.
OK, that last sentence was roughly half true.
Unfortunately, it’s the least interesting half.
Apparently two members of the fire department – since suspended – were using the boat to take family members on a little sea voyage. They scraped some underwater obstacle out near Fort Gorges, causing $38,000 worth of damage to the boat. Which is impressive by the standards of most of the out-of-control parties I’m aware of (and of which I continue to maintain that there was no chandelier in the dining room when I got there, and I thought the hole in the ceiling was some kind of avant-garde interior decoration). Further investigation showed the fireboat is almost never used to fight fires, but is often employed for tours and charity events. Also, they used to use it to go to Vassalboro to the topless coffee shop before it burned down.
Not all the news of the week involved sex. Which is why I’ve ignored most of it until now. But I still need another two hundred and fifty words, and I’m not going to find that sort of extra blather in AAA, sex parties in Sanford or misuse of the Portland fireboat.
Nor am I going to be able to fulfill my obligations with news the Federal Hockey League plans to play a few games in hockey-deprived Lewiston this coming season. Until now, I was unaware the federal government ran a hockey league, and given the way it operates the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, I have my doubts about the quality of the game (“Pucks? I could have sworn you said ducks”).
I thought I might get some mileage out of the news that Gifford’s Ice Cream of Skowhegan had bought Gifford’s Ice Cream and Candy of Maryland, but Matt Wickenheiser of the Bangor Daily News beat me to all the best Gifford jokes.
There’s the Auburn dentist who announced she’s willing to pay a buck a pound to kids who turn in their Halloween candy, rather than ruining their teeth by eating it. But everyone knows you end up with a lot of lousy candy while trick-or-treating, stuff you hope you can con your little brother into trading for, but probably not, so it sits around until Memorial Day growing fuzzy mold. This year, the dentist gets all that, while the good candy gets eaten. And the money the good doctor gives you goes to buy more sugar-laden treats.
But I think I’ll finish up with the news that the town of Belgrade wants to give rights to dead people who don’t live there. I swear I’m not making that up. Although I am distorting it just a little. I mean, the dearly departed won’t be able to vote or ride on the Portland fireboat when it visits or get into any sex parties for free. Some other kind of right, I guess. I’d explain, but I’m way over the two hundred and fifty words I needed.
Al Diamon believes brevity is the best way to maximize his earnings. He can be emailed at firstname.lastname@example.org, but keep in brief.