You can swear all you want in this state. Of course, the fact that swearing is free speech, protected under the U.S. Constitution’s First Amendment (“Congress, those #@*^!?>%, shall make no &*{}?!@ law restricting the rights of %+#@!?* law-abiding citizens to tell it exactly what they #%&()*!?+ think of it”), doesn’t stop some people from trying to stop others from exercising their right to spout off. For instance, citing the profanity provision to justify telling a bouncer in a strip joint what you think of him and his lack of personal hygiene will generally not earn you any constitutional protection from getting your ass kicked.

With few other exceptions, though, you’re free to use the vilest words in the English language to express your opinions.

There is, however, one word you must never use under any circumstances. Not only is it illegal to say it, write it or convey it in sign language, it’s also against the law to even think it. After protracted negotiations between attorneys retained by this Web site and other parties I will identify in a moment, as well as the payment of a sizable fee, I have received permission to employ this word in this posting, provided I fulfill certain requirements:

It must be preceded by a disclaimer noting that it is being employed only with the express consent of the authorizing agent.

It must be clearly labeled as a wholly owned trademark of those agents.

It must be placed in quotation marks to denote it is not a word meant for regular use.

And any violation of these stringent restrictions will result in severe penalties, including having a strip-club bouncer kick the editor’s ass.

That prohibited word is (the easily offended are advised to cease reading immediately):

“Olympics.”™©®

That’s right, thanks to an act of *%$!?+^ Congress (the Ted Stevens Olympic and Amateur Sports Act of Unprecedented Overreach and Predictable Idiocy), the use of that word is the exclusive province of the United States “Olympics”™©® Committee. That law also gives the same group the right to control the words “Pentathlon”™©®, “Decathlon”™©® and “Urine Test”¶ëë.

Why should you care? Well, if you’re the editor of this feature, your concern is obvious. For the rest of us it might seem of little importance if proper protocols are employed every time the word Olympics comes up.

Oops, sorry, Josh. (Josh is my editor.)

But such restrictions on word-usage mean nothing to Harold Brooks of Hebron. Brooks, the owner of a construction company, held a three-day event last weekend that he recklessly dubbed the Redneck Olympics. 

Aw, jeez, Josh, I did it again. That’s gotta hurt.

Some 2,600 people showed up to take part in zany events such as wallowing in mud with pigs, drinking beer out of hubcaps and watching Jeff Foxworthy videos. It all seemed like harmless fun until the letters from lawyers started arriving. They said that not only was Brooks in violation of federal law for his unauthorized use of the word “Olympics”™©® (stop flinching, Josh), but there was also some question as to whether he was entitled to use the term “Redneck,” which may be the exclusive property of the state of Alabama.

The USOC (somehow, they neglected to trademark those letters) said it has to protect its claim to the “O” word (no, not that O-word) because licensing it is a major source of its income, without which it wouldn’t be able to provide its employees with lifestyles so lavish they make former Maine Turnpike Executive Director Paul Violette envious.

Brooks argues that his event was a parody and therefore exempt from copyright laws. “It’s a comedy act,” he told the Lewiston Sun Journal. “I don’t think they can touch me.”

Shortly afterwards, he was kicked in the ass by a bouncer from a local strip club.

The law, it seems, has no respect for Jeff Foxworthy.

Speaking of Olympians (really, Josh, I had no idea until now that any variation of the word would cause your posterior to be pummeled), there’s news of Elvis. A Windham jewelry store is offering a watch once owned by the King for sale for $24,000. The timepiece is part of a traveling exhibit that also includes what’s described as “a bangle” owned by Bernie Madoff, Bob Hope’s tie clip, and cufflinks and an empty six pack of PBRs once chugged down by Jeff Foxworthy.

Bernie Madoff, the Ponzi-scheme guy, wore bangles?

I’d find it easier to believe “Olympics”™©® is the sole property of the USOC.

Anyway, the Elvis watch was given to Presley when he got out of the army in 1960 by members of one of his earliest fan clubs, the Tankers.

The group later had to change its name when it discovered that “Tankers” is a registered trademark of an anemic minor-league baseball team based in Portland. 

And that just about wraps up my review of the news of the week just passed. All that’s left to do is run it by Josh, the editor, for his approval.

What’s that, Josh, you don’t like this piece at all? You want it totally rewritten, leaving out all that stuff about the USOC and Harold Brooks?

That seems like too much work. So how about I just add a new conclusion in which I casually mention the Olympics (“Ow!”) are going to be in London next year, when, by coincidence, I’ll also be traveling to the Olympic Mountains (“OW!!”), Mount Olympus in Greece (“OW, OW, OW!!”) and helping out with the local Special Olympics (“OWWWWWW!!!”).

Or maybe we could just stick with my first draft. After all, writing it was an Olympian (“ARGGHH!!!!”) effort.

Al Diamon would never intentionally cause one of his editors to suffer a severe beating by a strip-club bouncer, but upon reflection, he finds that the incidental result of his actions is not altogether unpleasant. He can be emailed at aldiamon@herniahill.net.

The views expressed on this Web site are those of the authors alone and do not necessarily represent the views of Down East Enterprise or its employees.