People Need More Than People During the Holidays
I’d intended to spend this month writing about Christmas here in Mahoosuc Mills. You know, visions of maple sugar plums and all. But I just need to get something off my chest.
For better or worse, I subscribe to People magazine, and their December “special issue” arrived last week, entitled, “Sexy Forever, Celeb Secrets for Gorgeous Hair, Flawless Skin-and Your Hottest Body Ever!” Come on! We’re smack dab in the middle of the holiday season! I’m just holding on by the thread here, what with all the candy at work, customers bringing in baked goods and Christmas parties. I’m feeling like a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloon!
The last thing I need this time of year is to see boxtox-injecting, airbrushed celebrities looking sexy. Yeah, yeah, Twiggy just turned sixty and still feels great. I’m fifty-nine and after looking at People this morning, I’m feeling marginal at best. Do I really need to see Sharon Stone in a bikini? And Demi Moore? That woman’s a freak of nature.
Now a special issue with practical tips for the holiday season, I’d go for that. You know, “Dress to Look Ten Pounds Thinner”, “Using Makeup to Camouflage Your Double Chin,” “How to Get Chocolate Stains Out of Red Velour.” Stuff like that.
Instead, People magazine is featuring “My Sexy Toolbox!” complete with black pumps and lacy lingerie. You want to know what’s in my sexy toolbox right now? Dim lighting and an industrial strength spanky, that’s what.
Listen, I have a spanky that goes from the top of my knees right up to my bra. I only wear it for special occasions though, because after a while it kind of makes me feel like a sausage, and holiday season or not, that’s something I just couldn’t face everyday. But with certain outfits, it really makes a difference. Like under the black velour pantsuit with the rhinestone buttons I wore to Charlie’s Christmas party at work, up to Sky Lodge. That spanky held everything in and smoothed it out so good, I looked almost svelte. Well, svelte enough for Mahoosuc Mills anyways.
As the evening wore on, though, that all started to change. By the time I sashayed up to the dessert buffet, I felt like I was spankied to within an inch of my life. I pulled Charlie aside and told him, “If I pass out, just cut this spanky off me. Then, get one of them fried mozzarella sticks and wave it under my nose. That should bring me around.”
Why don’t I just cancel my subscription to People magazine, you may be thinking? Point taken. I suppose I could get my celebrity gossip and movie reviews some place else.
Trouble is, I cancel People, and there goes my hunk quotient for the week. Not to mention their Sexiest Man Alive issue. Sure I’m old enough to be Hugh Jackman’s mother, but hell, I’m fifty-nine, not dead!
That’s it for now. Catch you on the flip side!
(Listen to the podcast of Ida's column here.)