Like many places in the country, Maine seems poised to raise the curtain on a grand political farce that should keep us all entertained for the next few years. As a fan of theater onstage and off, I am eager to play a modest role. And so I've come up with a proposal that will change everything, that will show those [suitable epithet here] who's really in charge here — without, I hope, actually doing any lasting harm to the environment, the exchequer, or the state of basic human rights.

I propose therefore, ladies and gentlemen, to ... reform the calendar! (Cue applause track.)

Too long have we labored under the tyranny of this arbitrary and meaningless calendar imposed on us by Washington, or History, or maybe Astronomy — one of those stupid things they they tried to make us learn about in school. Too long have we followed like sheep when the so-called experts told us "This is the first day of autumn" or "This is Columbus Day," even though Columbus may not even have been American — no one has ever seen his birth certificate. The time has come, fellow Mainers, to set this right.

Let's roll up our sleeves, then, and get under the hood, and clear the manure out of the hen house. We'll start right at the beginning.

New Year's Day: canceled. Nothing in Maine starts in January.

Presidents' Day: suspended until we get a president we like. In the interim, we will observe, sometime in January that does not conflict with major sporting events, Hero Day. Each year will feature a great American hero, preferably male.

Martin Luther King Day: retained to shut the liberals up.

Groundhog Day: moved to April.

Valentine's Day: renamed Abstinence Day and commemorated accordingly.

St. Patrick's Day. Reframed as Christian Rights Day, in recognition of the most persecuted majority in the whole world.

Spring equinox: canceled, along with all those other equinoxes and solstices and suchlike pagan hoodoo.

Easter: Okay, we'll keep Easter. But at least let's put it on some predictable basis so we'll know when it's coming. Third Sunday in April: that's it, no arguments.

Earth Day: don't even get me started. Reframed as Wise Development Day, to celebrate the enlightened use of so-called "natural" resources to better our lives.

Memorial Day. Extended to encompass the whole three-day weekend. Participation will be mandatory and social uniforms can be made for schoolchildren to join in the fun!

Fourth of July. Retained, but placed on an invitation-only basis.

Labor Day. Renamed New Year's Day, since every Mainer knows this is really when things get going again.

Columbus Day: canceled (see above).

Halloween: provisionally retained for candy-collection purposes only. No costumes of an unwholesome or Satanic sort.

Thanksgiving: retained for intact traditional families only.

Hanukkah: rescheduled for December 25 for uniformity.

Christmas: retained and declared by law the Holiest Day of the Year. Citizens who greet one another with "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" will be subject to fines.

Ramadan, Kwanzaa, Monkey-God Day, and what-have-you: tolerated, but must be kept quiet for the sake of civic decorum.

It appears we've lost a couple of holidays here, so we'll replace them with the following:

Black Flyday (like "Black Friday," get it?): third Friday in June.

Kickoff Day: first day of football season. Kind of like Father's Day but with more beer.

Hunters' Day: first day of dear season. A celebration of gun-owners' rights; actual hunting is optional.

9/11: a solemn occasion upon which we rededicate ourselves to the struggle against the global Caliphate, one-world government, FEMA relocation camps, and the "climate change" hoax.

February: that's right, the whole darn month. If you have to ask why, you're probably spending it in Florida.

Day Off Day. A variable holiday that may be declared at any time by any hard-working man (or woman, if applicable). Not to exceed three (3) occurrences in a calendar year. Not to be used as an excuse by expectant mothers or so-called religious minorities. Does not apply to workers in the service sector.

Heritage Day: We'll drop this in wherever there's kind of a blank spot. If you don't know what "heritage" means, you should listen to more talk radio. Full details to follow.

There is, of course, much more we could do. But we'll have four years to fill in the gaps, and this will suffice to get started with. If you have any further suggestions, please drop them into the comment box below — I'll be sure to pass them along when the time is right. After all, the Governor is going to be a busy man.

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