Mystic Mainer Reveals Approximately All
This week, our favorite meterological, romantic and investment advisor answers made-up reader questions about pressing topics of the day.
Dear Mystic Mainer: Is it okay to gloat about the snowstorm hammering Washington, DC? My sister lives in the suburbs and hasn't been able to get out of her driveway all week. She and her husband have three children (my nephews, though you wouldn't know it from how little I see of them) and a lovely house. Part of me just wants to cackle.
-- Feeling Witchy in Waldoboro
Witchy dear: A "lovely house"? MM sees a big whopping McMansion in Silver Spring attended by a landscaping platoon from El Salvador. Consider your motives here. Are they in any way politico-religious? Do you believe, for instance, that government is evil and this storm is a judgment of the Almighty? Because MM just can't go there. If not, then cackle away, with our blessing.
Mr. Mainer: Will spring ever come?
-- "Cabin Fevah," Gorham
O Feverish One: Do we look like a groundhog? MM has not seen his shadow since 1972. As far as we're concerned, spring is always just around the corner. Even in May it's just around the corner. But seriously — they're already selling garden tools at Reny's. Bust out your Hawaiian shirts, but do buy an extra snow shovel, because they tend to break in that early-April blizzard.
Mystic, my man: How will the stock market perform in 2110? Also, what is the future of popular music? I hate all that stuff on the radio nowadays.
-- You Know Who, East Machias
Hey You: They have radio in Machias? Who knew? MM digs the new Massive Attack album. Stay away from the stock market. Or not. MM's brief career as an investor included such highlights as selling off his Apple stock in the 80s (at an ever-so-slight profit). If we'd held on, we wouldn't be reading tea leaves today; we'd be sipping custom-blended Earl Grey on the deck of our oceanfront villa.
Mystic Mainer: Speaking of Apple, what do you see happening with the new iPad? Is it really "revolutionary and magical," as Steve Jobs claims? Or is it just a gimmicky new product searching for a market that doesn't exist?
-- Call Me Skeptical, Portland
All right, Skeptical, here's the deal. There is nothing magical about industrial design. Apple's head designer is a Brit called Jonathan Ive, CBE — the Michelangelo of brushed metal. Everything he touches turns out cooler than you would expect from reading the specs and glancing at the photos. As for Mr. Jobs, the line between genius and insanity is thin. MM foresees that the iPad, or something like it, will change the way people interact with computer-like devices. So: magical, nyet. Revolutionary, a cautious da. Jump for the optional keyboard dock and an AppleCare warranty.
Dear Mystic Mainer: Will same-sex marriage ever become law in Maine?
-- "Questioning" in Dover-Foxcroft
Question no more, my brother/sister/self-identified other. In a couple of years — five at the outside — this whole topic will be as boring as the question of whether Yankees fans deserve the right to vote. It will be a done deal, though admittedly there will remain a feisty minority who find the matter objectionable. MM is single, by the way, and has recently trimmed his beard so as to become more eligible.
Mystic: Will the Tea Party movement be big in Maine? Could Sarah Palin ever be elected president? Should I be worried?
-- Need Xanax in Belfast
Dear Belfastian: Hey, we're almost neighbors! Xanax is a pleasant thought. MM is a bit worried himself these days, even with his amazing ability to foretell the future. Ex-governor Palin's poll numbers just hit an all-time low in a Washington Post poll. Nonetheless this new paranoid strain in American politics cannot be a good thing. Angry, irrational, ill-mannered people seldom make good citizens — or neighbors, or relatives, for that matter. Then you throw in the moral smugness and the Apocalyptic world-view and the steady diet of Father Coughlin — I mean, Glenn Beck — and the whole thing becomes a witch's brew (with apologies to our correspondent in Waldoboro). We expect Maine to be relatively tranquil.
Mr. Know-It-All: Is global warming a hoax? Don't lie. Look at all that snow they're having in Washington.
-- "Just Asking," Greenville
Oh, for God's sake.
Dear Mystic Mainer: You aren't much of a prophet, are you?
-- Buck in Gardner
Hiya Buck: One nice thing about the internet is that you can go back and see what people were saying a few years ago and how it all turned out. Remember President Perot? Remember Y2K? Pop a Xanax and call me in 2012.